Myrtle, You Should'a Been There!

Hey, Myrtle, you should'a been there, you really should'a been there! Huh? At the murder, of course. Last night. I told you beforehand about it, you had a chance to go. Yes, Myrtle, I did tell you about it. Yes, you did have a chance to go. What? No, don't be silly, nobody gets killed at a murder thing - wait, wait, Myrtle, don't hang up, let me tell you.

It was one of them dinner theater things, you know, where they throw a fancy sit-down dinner and somebody keels over like they been stabbed or poisoned or shot or something. They make like they've been done in by somebody at the dinner and then everybody else has to figure out who done the done-ing in. See? Yes, I did tell you and you said you had to puppy-sit or something.

Anyway, you want to hear about it or don't you? Okay, then let me tell you. Watch the news, Myrtle, watch the boob tube tonight, you're going to see yours truly in a starring role! I figured it out! Who done the crime, Myrtle, what're we discussing? Only it turned out a mite different than the folks planned what with the real police and the TV cameras and the riot and all. Different from the murder story, Myrtle. What was supposed to have took place. Okay, it's not that confusing, hold your horses and I'll get to it.

I was made up to be the Duchess of this grand palace place, had me a mink stole and a fancy tiara and a shiny ball gown and everything on, lots of glamour rouge and rings and beads — no, of course I don't own no mink stole, Myrtle, it was fake fur I'd got on loan for the occasion. That playhouse shop down on Piccadilly. Theater folks gets some of their stuff down there, you recall where we got dresses for Vera's wedding. Got all my get-up for the occasion right there. Except my own rouge and rings, naturally I always wear those rubies Aunt Lillie left me whenever I dress up, they looked swell with those red slippers and that red shiny dress and —

No, I do not think I am too decrepit to dress up, Myrtle. I could have me a ball gown for my own if I wanted to. I got enough cash laid by to buy something new and shiny once in a blue moon if I've a mind to, that's not the point, you want to hear about this or not?

Well, the dinner was going just fine, the company was good and the food was so scrumptious I was trying to figure how to stuff a few slices of rare roast beef in my little sequined evening bag without gravy getting all over the sateen. I finally managed to wrap up a little chunk in one of them fancy napkins and stashed it in the purse down by my chair. No, it was silvery, they didn't have a red one. Does that matter, Myrtle?

Okay, then. Well, I was having a bit of trouble keeping my feet in them slippers what with them being a bit tight and all, so while I was stashing the beef I slid them slippers off. That long white table cloth kept folks from seeing past my knees and all so it didn't seem like it would be a problem to give my toes some breathing room for a bit. And that's when the shooting started...

A robbery, Myrtle. A for-real robbery was going on and they were shooting up the place it sounded like. Such screaming I never heard in all my born days. You'd a thought Al Capone was there for real, instead of that fake one, but he was much better looking than the real thing if you ask me. Huh? Because he was tall and distinguished-looking with a deep voice. I do believe he could of been on the stage in real life but I think he was just a salesman or something. That's beside the point, anyway.

What happened to the murder? We hadn't got to that part yet, that was supposed to be coming up next but what with the robbery and all we never did get to the murder, but the robbery was just as good if not better the way everything turned out, if I do say so myself.

No, it wasn't part of the play, Myrtle. It was a for-real robbery, these yahoos thought my rubies and Madam Ila's diamonds and Countess Eloise's pearls were for real I guess. Well, they did sort of look real and I can understand where they might have been mistook — Shot? Who?

Oh, they didn't hit nobody with all them bullets, Myrtle, they weren't real either, just blanks in one of them play-acting gangster guns. For the murder, Myrtle, they were handed out beforehand to the folks with the murder parts, you know, which never did happen because they decided to change the story line, which sure did liven up the place, let me tell you!

No, they didn't get my rubies, Myrtle. Why not? Well, that's why my rubies and my fur stole and my fancy dress and me's going be on the news. I clobbered the bad guys with my slippers, Myrtle.

My feet had got so happy being out of them tight things they kind of swole up and I couldn't get my toes squished up enough to slide ‘em back on. When them gunshots started I was down on my hands and knees under the dinner table trying to squeeze a slipper on. Well, everybody was supposed to gather in the drawing room and I couldn't just sashay in there in my bare feet, now could I?

So they didn't notice me. That long tablecloth was pretty near to the floor and I was hunkered down under there trying to shove my right foot in a slipper without much success. Anyway, when I heard that dude yelling at the Countess to hand over her jewels, he didn't sound like he was play acting and I sneaked a peek out from under the tablecloth. She was so upset and he was being so mean I just reached out and clonked him a good one in the knee with one of them heels. He started into hopping and yelling louder and holding his knee, it was a sight to see, Myrtle.

The other guy? Well, when the first guy started into hopping and yelling like a maniac the other one runs over to see what was the matter. So I just scooted over on my hands and knees a little bit and when I saw them different shoes, shiny black patent leather with them white covers across the front, I'd noticed him at the dinner cause his mustache was on crooked and they two was buddies, I figured he was the other bad guy. So I just gave him a good clonking too. It started him into yelling and hopping and grabbing his own knee, and they was both putting on quite a show, let me tell you.

Well, all the commotion attracted the restaurant managers out of the kitchen and they knew right off this wasn't no part of the story. Some of the men folks grabbed the bad guys and tied them up with some old dish towels out of the kitchen. Naturally by then everybody else had got quieted down and somebody said we ought to call the cops. Them bad guys were moaning about needing to call a doctor.

Then one of the guys at the dinner turned out to be a for-real detective, ain't that a hoot, Myrtle? Dressed up in a tuxedo looking like a Duke or a Earl or somebody, never in a million years would I have took him for the law. But he just pulled out his badge and arrested them two right there on the spot.

Well, after that the dinner kind of broke up, nobody didn't seem too interested in having a fake murder after almost a real robbery, but we all had some delicious carrot cake and coffee for dessert while we compared stories for the police. Some more real officers showed up in a little while and took them crooks away.

How did it get on television? Well, one of them flappers at the dinner turned out to be a reporter doing a story for the TV, she had one of them little cameras that does moving pictures and all, and she took photos of the bad guys and their phony guns, and she even got herself in the story somehow, but she looked cute in her little black fringy dress so that was all right.

And she said I was a real hero for clonking the crooks and she put me in her story! Ain't that a blast? Of course my red slippers was the hit of the evening! I might just have to keep them things, Myrtle, tight or no tight. Anyway, be sure to watch the news tonight, should be on at 11:00. But you should'a been there, Myrtle, you really should'a been there!

Copyright 2007, Elizabeth G. Cox. All Rights Reserved.

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